Why we end up dating Dummies and why Modern Relationships are doomed from the start

The truth about modern relationships

Everyone had this portrait of their future self, some of us even had a voice imitation of how you would be, how you would be responding to people, how you would address everyone.

As a young boy, I always wanted to grow up to be someone important, and so did everyone. A child’s imitation of their future self is the perfect model, in all naivete.

Then life happens. From basic primary school to our current states, nature sifts through the crowds separating good beans from chaff. People are faced with different opportunities and challenges. The outcome is different for everyone. Some may fail to go to good schools due to lack of basic school fees. Some sift through the crowded system and find some status in society. For others it’s just pure luck, being in the right place at the right time. Nature has many variables, and this is actually the most amazing thing about life. This differentiation bring out some fun in life, otherwise it would be so boring.

life's subtleties

If you honestly compare yourself right now to the person you wanted to be when you grew up, you’ll be saddened at the result, for many people. Many of us would be saddened. Although the journey is not over yet, life has degraded a hell lot from our earlier expectations.

In both traditional and modern dating hierarchical systems, men are expected, not supposed, to approach a lady, charm her and make the request. The particular requests differ. We will not focus on that. A man is supposed to be in a particular status to date a particular lady of a particular status. Living in a material world, Madonna pun intended, society ends up segregating on some uniform models. The rich seem to attract a particular trait. The poor seem to fall in their certain congregation. Then comes the mysterious man in the middle. He is not rich and he is not poor. He lives on the edge. On a good day, he is the casino man from the Ozarks and on a bad day, he is living just beyond his means.

the middle man

I call it the 'middle-man complex' or 'the late man syndrome'.

This is the particular class that has troubled society. There is just no stand on what status someone has. One living on loan to another loan will appear just to be doing well, and appearances can be deceiving. To the man in the middle, it’s all about image. He will pull all strings to maintain a particular image. Remember, the poor are doing well on their end, they have acclimatized to their status. The rich are having different kinds of problems on their end.

But the man in the middle struggles. He wants to fit in. He buys a car he cannot afford to fuel. So occasionally you’ll be spotting him on public transport, with enough analysis on how he’s tired of driving, and how sometimes he likes to take the commuter service. And so the good thought continues.

So men find themselves facing life, accepting realities here and there. They would like to have a woman of a particular status, but their status doesn’t allow it. Something has to happen. One of the most important things in this life is time. We ignore it but it’s actually life’s greatest achievement to live within the confines of time. To grow up within your time.

And here comes compromise

So, what you wanted to be at 30, is not what you are. No one defies that you’re hardworking, focused, disciplined, and many other virtues. Mr Life will hear nothing of it. He pushes and shoves. You need a wife, society expects you to have one. Last weekend was your buddy’s kids birthday party and you don’t want to be left out. You want to fit in, because society will not let you have a good night’s sleep. Your internal self will not give you a break. He will ask questions and require answers. And so, out of the blue, appears this compromised partner, just in good time. They are the perfect fit. And the model seems complete. A man looks himself at the mirror and his dreams diminish. He thought he had it. Life treats everyone fairly, so he has to accept his current state. Old love is forgotten, now we have to fit in. And so we engage. We tell each other lies, we fulfill a part of our destiny, just a tiny bit. Deep inside, we know what we want, but it’s not within reach. Sometimes we have to believe in fate, and fate has given us this. So we make promises, we adapt and we embrace the moment.

And then the disagreements come. We want the other person to change, to fit that earlier model in our system. But people don’t change.

And here comes trouble!


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